OKAY, CAN WE JUST BAG LUNCH?

Kids like these 

need fun drawings 

on their lunch bags

or their faces will stay like this

FOREVER!

So yeah,

I draw on their lunch bags:

But sometimes you gotta say,

"Draw on yo own dang lunch!"

Hopefully your kids' faces are normal

and you don't have to draw on their lunch bags.

THE ARTLESSNESS OF MIDDLE SCHOOL

So my oldest son is going into middle school.

And like his weirdo parents,

he's less of a math/science kid

and more of an artsy creative kid.

So we've been looking for a school that'll

embrace his creative side.

Problem is...

there are very few schools that 

push the arts.

Sure, there are schools that stress

PERFORMING ARTS...

but not

VISUAL ARTS!

Every school has a 

band

and a

chorus

and 

school plays.

But barely any art classes.

Maybe an

'art on a cart'

teacher might come in once a week.

But even that's disappearing.

WHY?

While playing an instrument 

or acting in a play is a wonderful thing...

how many of those students go on to a career

in music or acting?

I'd like to argue that more careers might come out of 

visual arts training.

Stuff like:

Illustration

Fashion Design

Editorial

Graphic Design

Advertising

Filmmaking

Game Design

Industrial Design

and let's not forget the 

poor saps who get into

Animation

Perhaps teaching visual art

is more subjective than

teaching music or acting?

Perhaps a play or a concert is 

considered more of a big ticket school event

 than an art show?

Everybody likes when their kids make art when they're young

So why are we chasing them away 

from it so early?

Anyway...

one of the schools in our area has some amazing

performing arts magnet programs and 

is just starting a visual arts program.

To apply,

kids need to present a portfolio

of their work.

There's even a place on the application

to include the URL for their online

portfolio if they have one!

LOL

I don't even have an online portfolio!

So we've been compiling some of my son's work

and having him work with an art tutor to help him 

create some new pieces to show.

And he's kinda kickin' butt.

Check it out:

Sooper proud dad over here!

THIS IS MY LIFE

This is the kind of stuff that 

happens at my house

before school:

Are you surprised?

2x4 technology FOREVER!

ENJOY THE POOL

A couple years ago me and the fabulous Mrs. Warburton decided 

to take our little wolverines to Palm Springs for the weekend.

Unfortunately,

the hotel we chose was the most

child unfriendly establishment in the

Western Hemisphere.

After a harrowing weekend of shouting

STOP DUMPING ASHTRAYS IN THE POOL!

and

STOP POINTING AT THAT NICE WOMAN'S BOOBIES!

I decided to write a short comedy piece

loosely based on our trip and submit it to

The New Yorker's

Shouts and Murmurs 

department:

ENJOY THE POOL!

Hello and welcome to the 5 Star Grand Dionysian Resort and Spa! It’s hot out and you’ve no doubt come to enjoy the world famous amenities the pool has to offer.  Swim a couple laps! Soak up some sun! Have a drink! Or simply relax on one of the chaise lounges with your favorite book! There’s something for everyone at the pool. That’s why we’re here with our kids!

What? 

Well, how were we supposed to know that the hotel’s mantra of “hip, retro and modern” meant “young, single and childless” (not to mention “pierced, tattooed and practically naked”).   But fear not!  We’ve prepared these simple guidelines to help us get through this beautiful day by the pool-- TOGETHER!

DIVING – Those lounging in the pool, or at a range of 1.5 chairs from the edge, may be subject to frequent, hairstyle-collapsing downpours caused by our children’s cannonballs, belly flops, jack knifes and other assorted novelty dives. Grumbling protests and withering stares will not be tolerated and might actually draw “them” closer to you.

RUNNING – We will be strictly enforcing the pool’s ‘no running’ policy with sudden, often startling shouts of “SKYLAR, WALK!” immediately followed by “DID YOU HEAR ME? I SAID WALK!” and “SO HELP ME IF I HAVE TO SAY WALK AGAIN!”. These demands will have no effect whatsoever but will undoubtedly prove to you, the pool going public, that we are concerned parents and not blind to the problem.

You’re welcome!

RESTROOMS – All potty breaks will be announced by both children, either separately or in tandem, as loudly as possible.  Announcements may include, but are not limited to, “I HAVE GO PEE PEES!” and/or “UH OH, POOPY TRAIN COMING!” There is also a 68% chance that a bathing suit will be partially (or fully) removed before reaching the bathroom.

Note: Announcements may be withheld if the kids have already relieved themselves in the pool.

ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES – There will be absolutely no refunds given for drinks that are spilled, kicked into the pool, or ravenously devoured by kids who think they’ve found an abandoned Slurpee.  Speaking of which, Daddy could really use one of those frozen daiquiris right about now.

ALERTS – We are pleased to provide pool goers with immediate, free-of-charge alerts regarding bees floating in the pool. Just listen for the horrified shrieking and then follow the flailing kid(s) to the nearest exit.

Please note: Our children also reserve the right to loudly point out public displays of affection, fat people, and big boobies.

POOL ACCESSORIES – Feel free to borrow any of the wide variety of accessories we’ve brought! We’ve got rafts, floaties, beach balls, boogie boards, water wings, Super Soakers, diving toys, those dumb foam ‘noodle’ things with the bite marks all over them and much, much MORE. So much more, in fact, that Daddy couldn’t fit his goddam golf clubs in the car. Like it isn’t MY vacation, too, right?  But you know what? That’s what I’m here for. So help yourself. And tell that waitress with the nice legs to bring me another daiquiri, would ya?

POOLSIDE MENU – Of all the delicious food served at the pool who knew you could get pancakes whenever you want?! Amazing! And the portions? Big enough for BOTH kids!  Unless, of course, your daughter refuses to share them with her brother. Why? Because your wife lets her do WHATEVER she wants.  Because her Mother never let her have anything of her own, a fact that’s been brought to your attention at least twice a day for the past what? 15 years? THAT’S why we ALL get to hear little Madison screaming “MY PANCAKES! MY PANCAKES” in a voice so shrill it nearly drowns out that-- what do you call it-- house music? That just goes THUMP THUMPA THUMP for, like, EVER!  What IS that crap anyway?! It’s enough to make you order your eighth goddam daiquiri. And bring a beer chaser with that, okay, whatsyername… Destiny?  Seriously?

MANAGEMENT – What are you looking at?  You’ve never seen a grown man and his family forcibly removed from a hotel pool before? Well, %$^#^@  you! And %$&@$ all your stupid tattoos! They’ll all look like &%#$ when you’re 40 anyway. And ^&@*&$ your hair and your flat stomach and your--

Oh God, I want to go home.

By Tom Warburton

Mr. Warburton is the creator of Cartoon Network’s hit animated series

Codename: Kids Next Door and author of HarperCollins picture book 1000 Times No.

He is currently creative director on the Disney Channel’s latest animated series, Fish Hooks.

-------

Unfortunately, the piece was rejected:

Dear Tom,

We’re sorry to say that your piece, “Enjoy the Pool,” wasn’t right for us, despite its evident merit. Thank you for allowing us to consider your work.

Best,
The Shouts Department

But writing it 

definitely 

worked as a form of 

therapy.

WONDERCON 2013

I think I've made it abundantly 

clear that I like 

going 

to 

Comicon!

But I've got a special place in

my heart for 

Wondercon.

Mainly because it's a con

I can take my chickens to.

At Comicon I'm all but 

guaranteed to:

a)  lose my children

b) see them trampled by 

cosplayers/stormtroopers/comic nerds

c) watch them go supernova 

due to overstimulation

d) not get to work, see or do anything I want 

since I'm trying to avoid A, B, and C

So I save Comicon for me,

and make Wondercon all about the kids!

It's smaller,

less crowded,

and much kid friendlier

although it's still 

big,

crowded

and 

rough for smaller kids

to navigate.

As an added bonus,

it's a short drive

to Anaheim, CA.

(it used to be in San Francisco

but changed venues last year)

I didn't get to socialize or take many pictures

since it's all I can do to keep track of the 

munchkins.

But I did snap some busts:

The Mondo Media booth,

home of the best movie posters in the world:

R5-D5:

Just like at Comicon,

Adventure Time rules the day:

Even He-Man has to take time out to

re-adjust:

I made sure to point out Stan Lee

to the boys.

They thought he looked

"older than grandad".

And upon hearing that,

we were immediately 

escorted out of the building by 

stormtroopers.

Go on!

Take your kids

to Wondercon next year!

SKETCHBOOK JR

It's kind of embarrasing when your 7 year old son
is rockin' better sketchbooks than you are.

Yeah, both my little maniacs started keeping sketchbooks recently.
The three of us hang out in the home office and doodle before dinner or
in an attempt to delay bedtime.

Just recently P finished his very first book:


So what ended up on its pages?

Bacon, of course:


Batman:


Beyblades:


Spiderman:


Ninjas:


Star Wars weaponry:


Pokemon:


Legos:


Angry Birds:


He liked when I showed him how simple it is to show
different expressions on a face so he did a bunch of his own:


Sometimes he takes stuff he sees in my sketchbook:


And makes it better:


And sometimes he writes stuff that makes you melt:


If you've got kids, why not get them a sketchbook and start doodling together?

S'fun!